maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
