some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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