Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
