Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
