I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize