dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize