I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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