Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
