I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
