How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize