did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
