I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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