Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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