I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize