guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
