i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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