my room smells like sperm. sweet.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
