I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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