we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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