Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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