the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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