Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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