this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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