Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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