in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize