My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
