hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
this just has baby written all over it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
