When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
