Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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