Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
