woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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