I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize