Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
