I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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