i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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