I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
