I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
