i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
