I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's shark week go big or go home
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
