Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just cropdusted the office
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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