At least make sure they are 18
Why
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
