my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize