In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Everclear isn't food dammit
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
