She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
