all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
