His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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