The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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