i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
