I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
