Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize