i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
