just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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