Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize