Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
