I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
