I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
