My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
