Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
