I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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