I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
