I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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