just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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