Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
