My liver just broke up with me...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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