i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
