well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
