Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Never joke about your clitoris.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
