Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
