burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
