I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
