look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
